Sisters in the Fray

Guest post by Sarah Hanna
Her experience with the book Unshattered

The book Unshattered came to me in a very dark time.  Because of health issues I was basically bedridden, and every task required for living resulted in some form of increased pain and discomfort.  

I love the outdoors, and used to do everything I could in them.  Gymnastics, swimming, and just plain running, biking, or walking are some of my greatly enjoyed pastimes.  Violin, singing, dancing, acting, writing, drawing, studying, reading, sunlight, and listening to music were things I thought I couldn't live without.  Depression and anxiety were some large problems I was finally learning to combat. College and independence were things I thought would be at hand, no matter how much I feared them.

At first, after getting sick, I had still been able to write, draw, or read to distract, and give myself purpose.  Gradually all three most often became physically impossible. My voice weakened and simply singing to myself would make vocalizing painful for weeks afterwards.  Light, sound, and movement resulted in agony. I was reduced to merely existing until the next blessed stretch of sleeping unconsciousness, during which, pain still somehow tortured a fraction of my otherwise dormant mind.  

My means of creative communication were ripped from me, I could no longer influence the world around me, my purpose for living was unreachable.  My depression which originally had no solid reason for being, had a feast of validated hopelessness and desperation to pray on.  

My will to continue living wilted, I only entertained the idea of holding onto life, because I knew my absence would spread more problems upon the ones I love, and I did not wish to cause them pain.  I also didn't have the ability to end myself, a frustrating plight in and of itself. I had no desire to die, I merely could not see the point of continuing to live. Amidst this stagnant existence, I gave in to my mother's loving prodding, and began to read Unshattered.

As I read the book, I enjoyed the little things in the happy beginning, and they carried me through until I found challenges with which I could relate.  The magnitude of the protagonists trials were humbling, and with little to no motivation to read, and a multitude of understandable reasons to stop, the fact that she continued, gave me the courage to dismiss my excuses.  

I had an example of how much worse things could be, and found genuine things to be grateful for.  The fact that I was at home with my family, the beauty around me, being able to talk, having occasional good days. At the same time, throughout the book, I had to repeatedly learn not to compare miseries, and stop belittling my own.  Everyone's challenges deserve to be acknowledged, no matter the size.

Later I was able to attend a Skype meeting with the author of Unshattered, and the woman that the book is about.  I really wanted to be able to give them something, because they had given me the tools to see the value in continuing to live.  Before the gathering, I hurriedly wrote a poem I hoped would convey my feelings, and despite my fears of its inadequacy, braved the effort it took to attend the meeting.  

Speaking with and seeing them was like being reunited with old friends.  I managed to succeed in reading the poem to them, (I had nearly chickened out at the last moment), and was surprised and delighted to see that it touched them.

I was blessed to learn that my efforts would be sufficient in the end, and see that I could still create, maybe not all the time, but when it came down to it, I still had my mind.  Since then I have had some improvements for which I am very grateful. I am still physically miserable, and find it hard to consider days in which I have done nothing more than continue living, a success, but I know I can be happy amidst pain, and that I always have a purpose.


Here is the poem I wrote:

Kin in battle, united in pain, 
your monsters you shared,
to help others their own fiends to slay.  
My valleys are not the same, 
but the darkness I know well.  
Between light and endless fall, 
your story reached me, showing that I can do it all.  
Fear can be conquered, despair shed, inability can improve, 
or I can find another way.

My life need not be failure, 
my existence beyond tomorrow more than curse.  
I am allowed to keep living, 
able to strive.  
What was may have been stolen, 
but I can choose to fight for a future not yet dead.  
My experiences, my life, my stories, the beauty I see, can all be shared, 
though insignificant I fear they will be.

I am not destined to fail, 
I can be what I am meant to, 
see what I choose.  
A victim I am allowed to be, 
but that is not where happiness lies for me.  
I can still dream of dancing, skating on ice, 
I can make it outside someday, without paying such a miserable price.

You have encouraged me to climb the mountain I dread to face.  
I will write my stories, draw my world's, 
and hope to one day help somebody as you have me.  
Sharing is laying ones soul open, raw, then letting all scrutinize.  
Thank you for sacrificing comfort in the hopes of helping just one. 
I needed it, 
and now feel I have a sister with which to enter the fray.  
Someone beyond my family, 
who actually understands my pain.