How do I get my son to buy in on doing chores?

January 2, 2020

So, this is how my New Year’s Day started.  My 14-year-old son dragged himself out to the living room, wrapped in a blanket, and flopped himself down sideways in a recliner.  I started to ask him if he would get his bedding into the washer first thing.  He has requested that he be able to do his own laundry (which is great), because he doesn’t want his sister’s hair in his clothes.
 
I only got out four words "Hey bud, could you...", and his shoulders hunched, his brow scrunched, and he looked like he was preparing to wail.  I flashed back to the previous day.  Flu had been running rampant through the family over the holidays.  After morning appointments, I wasn't feeling well, and took an afternoon nap.   

I had gotten up and had my first real interaction with this son at around 4:30pm.  He had been asleep still when I'd been in and out in the morning.  He was downstairs playing a computer game when I got up.  He hadn't done any of his chores.  I started to ask him to get started with a couple small things, and he melted down and said, "I told myself the first thing you would say to me would be to ask me to do something!"  I’m not sure if it was the first thing I said to him, but if not, I have to admit, it was pretty close.

We spent way too much time New Year’s Day trying to discuss with him how we could ask him to do something when we needed to, since he keeps stating that he doesn't want us to ask him to do anything.  The conversation didn't go well and ended with his dad being upset with him.

This has been a significant friction for us lately.  I was feeling really discouraged at how poorly our morning had gone over beginning to ask him to do one chore.  I started looking up articles on getting kids to buy in on doing chores.  There are many.

Most were not helpful.  Try calling them something different than the word chore which has a negative connotation.  The favorite from that article was calling it "mandatory fun" 😊.  Lots of articles telling you that doing chores as a kid is necessary for later success in life.  Lots of articles telling you that the secret is to start with your kids as toddlers.  I’m sure it’s all good information, and none of that helps me right now.  With a 14-year-old who does not want to be asked to do anything. 

I KNOW that if I want to be a good mom, I need to give my kids chores and follow through with having them complete them.  I understand that it’s necessary for later success.  I know how to be cheerful, kind, ask nicely, and be persistent.  I know how to make charts and assignments.  I know that we handicap our kids by doing everything for them.  What I don't know, is how to get this particular 14-year-old to buy in on doing chores.

There was one article that I did feel made sense and might be helpful.  It talked about the psychology of why using a chore chart may not be helpful, and what may work instead.  Here's a link to the article:  https://talkingtoteens.com/instead-chore-chart-try-one-simple-thing/  .

I've used enough chore charts over the last 30+ years as a mom, to know that it never seems to work long term.  The article talks about how research shows it may make people more resistant to doing chores.  The main ideas are put a list of what needs done on the fridge that any family member can add to.  Choose times to work together on what needs done.  During that time, assign them randomly in some manner.  Whether it be rolling dice and highest roll gets to pick off the list first, or drawing chores out of a hat.  We are going to try it.  I’ll let you how it works!